Wildfires explain high transfer rate
By: Kumquat Starburst
Issue date: 4/2/09 Section: The Chive
Investigation into Lake Forest College's low retention rate has led to a surprising and ironic conclusion-the students heading for the exits after their first year are as swift as those fleeing an aggravated bee hive, an impeding tsunami, or an approaching wildfire.
It turns out, the reason many students are fleeing the College actually is wildfires. "Gee, it all makes sense now," said President Steve Schutt, scratching his head in his office. "At least now we can't have students saying they're leaving because it's too boring here!" he said encouragingly.
Information yielded from surveys, college grounds inspections, and general awareness has led the administration to yet another problem, on top of malfunctioning vending machines, café price inflation, and student apathy: spontaneous combustion of dorm furnishings.
"I thought all the students running frantically from their rooms were simply engaging in some sort of 'party' ritual," said Dean of Students Beth Tyler. "I thought that's what kids did for fun these days."
The College purchased the flammable furnishings from furniture company Safety Second, which specializes in second-best products for college dorms, juvenile detention centers, and prisons-most notably Guantánamo Bay in Cuba.
"Last April I was down to two choices-DePaul and Lake Forest," explained freshman Terry Bull. "If only the Princeton Review included a rating of my room's combustibility…" he somberly pondered.
The administration is considering saving money by killing two birds with one stone, and hiring the same person as an in-house fire marshall and retention specialist. "We're doing everything we can to save a little bit of money here and there," said Schutt.
It turns out, the reason many students are fleeing the College actually is wildfires. "Gee, it all makes sense now," said President Steve Schutt, scratching his head in his office. "At least now we can't have students saying they're leaving because it's too boring here!" he said encouragingly.
Information yielded from surveys, college grounds inspections, and general awareness has led the administration to yet another problem, on top of malfunctioning vending machines, café price inflation, and student apathy: spontaneous combustion of dorm furnishings.
"I thought all the students running frantically from their rooms were simply engaging in some sort of 'party' ritual," said Dean of Students Beth Tyler. "I thought that's what kids did for fun these days."
The College purchased the flammable furnishings from furniture company Safety Second, which specializes in second-best products for college dorms, juvenile detention centers, and prisons-most notably Guantánamo Bay in Cuba.
"Last April I was down to two choices-DePaul and Lake Forest," explained freshman Terry Bull. "If only the Princeton Review included a rating of my room's combustibility…" he somberly pondered.
The administration is considering saving money by killing two birds with one stone, and hiring the same person as an in-house fire marshall and retention specialist. "We're doing everything we can to save a little bit of money here and there," said Schutt.
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