The Stentor

Issue date: 4/2/09 Section: The Chive

Media Credit: Smiley Cronkite Soon-to-be Ex-Dean Beth Tyler prepares to do some de-foresting at soon-to-be rival President Steve Schutt's house. [Click to enlarge]

Media Credit: Smiley Cronkite President Steve Schutt prepares a furry pawn in his never-ending feud with soon-to-be former Dean Beth Tyler [Click to enlarge]

As the year comes to a close, rampant speculation runs amok concerning the future of soon-to-be-ex-Dean of Students Beth Tyler. Future Ex-Dean Tyler addressed these concerns in her final press conference as Dean last Thursday evening in the Wood Lounge in Durand Commons. Tyler shockingly announced that her split from LFC stemmed from a longstanding feud with soon-to-be former boss President Stephen Schutt. "Schutt and I have always disagreed over precisely what a Forester was. I said it was someone who chopped down trees to make a living, sort of like a euphemism for a lumberjack. Schutt, on the other hand, insisted that it was another name for a woodland creature, hence the bear mascot" Tyler explained. She went on to announce the creation of the College of Lake Forest (CoLF), an academic institution that will inhabit the vacant buildings of the former Barat College campus, south of LFC on Sheridan Road.

The disagreement over the true nature of a Forester led to what started out as a friendly rivalry between the two co-workers. Sometimes, Schutt would return home from a long day of fundraising only to discover that Tyler had visited his yard during the day and chopped down every bush and tree, symbolizing her commitment to the Forester as a lumberjack cause. Schutt would repay her by breaking into Tyler's home as she slept and hiding the carcasses of road-kill throughout her house, highlighting the connection between an animal's forest home and its identity as a Forester.

However, tensions heightened last spring when Schutt took one prank too far. Last April, just before Tyler made her decision to depart, Schutt slaughtered a goat on Tyler's back porch, intending to hide the woodland creature in Tyler's shower as the newest pawn in their game. But, Schutt forgot about the new white carpeting in the Tyler family living room and the goat's blood stained the carpet irreparably. Tyler had had enough. She tendered her resignation the following afternoon.

Tyler then went on to take the retirement fund that she and her husband Lloyd had accumulated from their side gig as street-musicians in downtown Chicago and plunk it down on the table of the bank who owned the Barat College property. Deeds were signed and the CoLF was born. Tyler exclaimed later in the press conference, "As soon as I signed the documents, I knew exactly what our mascot had to be. We're the College of Lake Forest De-Foresters, and we're gonna kick your [behind]!"

The student body of CoLF will consist entirely of ex-LFC athletes. They were explicitly courted with the intention of fulfilling Tyler's rump-kicking guarantee. When contacted for comment, LFC Athletic Director Jackie Slaats said, "Whatever. It's not like anyone other than their parents watches the games anyway."

President Stephen Schutt, however, thinks that this will improve retention. "Well, people have been less than enthusiastic about Forester sports in the past and, well, having true hated rival can only increase communal feelings. I mean nothing unites better than a common [fudging] enemy."

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