The Stentor

Issue date: 4/2/09 Section: The Chive

Media Credit: Klaus von Uberturbo Library Station can get crowded around rush hour; just ask the unfortunate gondolier who capsized! [Click to enlarge]

Media Credit: LKlaud von Uberturbo A gondolier pilots his craft through the North Campus Channel. [Click to enlarge]

Lake Forest College has broken ground on a new series of lagoons and channels designed to connect the three campuses via gondola. Drawing on the success of last year's South Campus koi pond installation, which for several weeks took the place of sand volleyball courts behind Roberts Hall, the system is being touted as yet another retention-aiding project.

"Seriously, who wouldn't dig riding to class in a gondola?" asked LFC President Stephen D. Schutt. "Some romantic background music, a little sage love advice from the wizened Italian gondolier… soon, students won't even miss the study abroad program because they'll think they're already studying in Venice!"

"Oh yeah, we're cutting all study abroad programs to pay for the gondolas," added Schutt.

It was decided last month that the College would simply never fix the "mud canyon" between Durand and Deerpath Halls, which has been an eyesore since before last Thanksgiving; Facilities Management Director David Siebert saw potential in the disgusting suitcase-trap, however.

"I was like, let's make the best of a bad, embarrassing situation," said Siebert. "I had just been reading The Innocents Abroad at the beach, and like, it totally came to me - gondolas!"

Siebert, who in his spare time is a marine architect, drew up the plans in about twenty minutes, utilizing the copious, pre-existing puddles that are the result of melting snow and a non-existent storm-water drainage system.

Facilities Management crews will spend part of next week dredging channels between the ponds, while a delegation of administrators is flying to Italy tomorrow to recruit gondoliers and purchase boats.

"We have very specific criteria in mind," said Dean of Student Beth Tyler. "The ideal gondolier will have above-average rowing abilities, the stripe-iest of shirts, and the fullest of mustaches."

Siebert is excited about the system, which he believes is unique among American colleges. "West Virginia has its 'People Mover,' but soon, Lake Forest will have its gondola channels," he said. "Plus, it's way easier to sell the powers-that-be on this than on a drainage system that adequately handles the waters that we encounter every single Spring, and that should in no way represent any sort of surprise when they inevitably appear."

While the system will be free for students, faculty, and staff, a "Transportation Fee" will be added to students' tuition bill starting in the Fall, and FacMan is considering numerous cuts to their budget to recoup the construction costs.

"We've been in talks with American Wiper about ways to reduce toilet paper costs, and I think we've come to an exciting solution," said Siebert. "Lake Forest will actually be one of the test sites for the experimental half-ply toilet paper debuting in August, along with the state prison down in Joliet."

Other proposed cuts include the cessation of all maintenance on campus steam pipes, as well as selling off part of FacMan's vehicle fleet. A proposal was raised to stop cleaning most dorm bathrooms, but then someone in the office remembered that this had already been done last year to save money.

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